I Cambridge, I Saw, I Conquered; Chapter the Second

One does not simply walk into Law pre-drinks. One does not simply turn up at seven when the local calls and everyone knows the undergraduates are the real guests of honour. One does however simply tear a hole in one's tights fifteen minutes before we leave and decide that feck it, it's not that sophisticated and if anyone's sober enough to notice after half an hour they shouldn't be a lawyer.
We are in the local The Eagle, where Watson and Crick discovered DNA, got pished to celebrate, woke up in each others arms, panicked, realised they had forgotten what they discovered, panicked even more alarmingly, found it written on Watson's arm and agreed never to speak of parts of that night ever again. Oh, and also where Her Majesty's RAF flyboys graffitied every bit of the back roof they could reach. Not like there was a World War going on or anything...

Anyway this source of historical lovliness and American tourist black hole is our local and it is where we be chillin' with some vino before a champagne reception. A champagne reception which is funded by the legal moneyed elite and where the damn stuff tastes fabulous for I am a poor student who pops open some Cava to celebrate on the odd occasion. And is absolutely fascinated with alliteration and half rhymes in sentence structure. English students had you noticed?

The plushly carpeted, dark wood panelled OCR is full of suits chattering away, many of them have "come up from" the City, some of them have come in from pastures far afield and some have just come out of retirement for the occasion. There is a lack of women, a startling lack, for the hubbub is mainly composed of baritones discussing what tomfoolery the High Court has engaged in now, what! But then we must consider that Corpus only permitted the admission of female undergraduates in 1983. There will not be any corresponding Old Gals Club for a while. Even the first graduands of 1986 are still ambling about in gainful employ and not near the retirement age.

On this note I must hold forth on the ...

...I'm sorry, I'm in Starbucks, there's a lady not so much as playing footsies as thighsies and handsies and tongue-sies with her significant other. I don't need to see this shit over my only caffeinated pleasure a week. This shall be dealt with...

....notion of fancy law dinners with venerable judges and the most noted legal practicioners of our day. Those of you who know me don't know me very well because I don't believe anybody would know that on entering my first NBLS dinner I was as nervous as a baby duckling in Open Season. I needn't have worried, because far from the snobbish Old Boy's Crowd I expected my fellow dinner guests couldn't have been a nicer bunch of people. Fiercely interested in undergraduates (in an avuncular, not a saucy way) and full of amazing legal war stories if you can lead them of the straight and narrow path of changes to aviation legislation. No one wants to hear about that. But they do want to hear that the guy who paid for the reception was chased by a shotgun wielding Finnish lunatic in the world's slowest car chase (and we were only going at 30 mph, doncherknow! Panic in slow motion!) and that the particularly dour solicitor to my left once had a client try and reverse a Mercedes over him while giggling like a fool. All over £20 of taxi expenses!

These stories are pure magic; and we listen to them in a beautiful hall lit by candles and there is a susurration which turns into a confabulation as very expensive wine flows. This year proved no different to those that went before as I sat beside some wonderful conversationalists, especially a notable judge right in front of me who filled me in on various tricks to make barristers scatter like naughty schoolchildren and was aghast at the his ignorance of the academic to his left;

"Do you know, I've sat next to this chap for two courses and I don't know his name! You know what I mean, it comes to something when you sit beside a chap for two courses and don't know his name!"

I agreed that Britain was indeed crumbling and how could anyone trust a chap who sat beside them for two courses and didn't mention their name?  Then I went back to the lemon sorbet whose purpose is, I was assured by a solicitor at my first dinner, to cleanse the palate. I was not aware I had a palate, but I suppose something has to tell the difference between pan fried seabass on a bed of crushed sweet potatoe and spring onion and cheesy chips and coke from thon Van of Life.

Law dinners always end too soon, especially when you're staying at Churchill College with a dear friend and are mortally afraid of offending. I am proud to say that I have been and gods willing will be one of the last to leave/be forcibly removed from the OCR at the end of the night because as Asher Roth puts it "Thou shalt not quit the domicile before the last drop of alcohol has been consumed." You know...don't leave the house til the booze gone?

Booze gone, Panther Cabs shakily called "Hello? Yes, I'd like a taxi from Corpus to Churchill please. When? Now would be good but I can't leave til I find someone with a key to let me out yousee. Whas that? No don't you worry about that, just send a taxi. Name? Who? No, no, no, I'm not Who. It's not for Who! Who's on first! Sorry, Laurel and Hardy, just send a cab for Devlin and quickly. I need to find someone to let me out...." I head out into the night breathing in close air and the aroma of old, damp stone which, though it sounds silly, is rather comforting.

The next day goes by far too quickly. I have the Sunday lunch I've been waiting for; turkey, mash, caramelised parsnips, Yorkshire pudding and custard and pud to finish. There's no rushing art, we stay there for a good hour as I ruminate. I always ruminate better when I've had my tea.

I spend the rest of that lazy Sunday either in Starbucks or lounging in our College bar. It is a treat to meet people; I love the small college in a small university town. The centre is hardly akin a proper city when you know that on your way from any given place to any given place you'll see at least one friend, two acquaintances, that one person you always want to see and that one you avoid like the plague and your archenemy. Cambridge is funny that way.

Too soon, too soon it is time to leave. And I mean too bloody soon because to catch a flight at 8am I need to be in Stansted for at least half six and the only bloody train going is at 5.17am so I have to drag myself up, looking blearily at my alarm like Lurch ("You rang?") at 4.20 ay em to get my taxi at five. Now I know there's a five in the morning, but I'm used to greeting the dawn from the front not this backwards way. But there you are, while you were all snug in your beds dreaming dreams of the nonobligatoryness of Monday morning lectures I was standing at a Costa Coffe kiosk, myself and the vendor staring in amazement and horor at the young Yank, clean in on the red/dead eye from New York, asking at six in the morning "Do you have decaff?" I shall never ever understand those above the Mason Dixie line.

But as a cartoon character we all know and love but I fear to mention because of the might of Warner Bros said "That's all, folks" I left Blighty behind; leaving on a jet plane in the words of John Denver, not entirely sure if I'll be back again, for the back at UAM the slow approach of exams focuses the mind on credits and, at times, the impassibility of the test ahead of us (did you see what I did there?)

But, sin embargo, pourtant, dennoch and however we shall gaze hopelessly at that swinging rope-bridge over a lake of boiling lava when we come to it. For now I shall fall asleep against a portly businessman who doesn't seem to mind awfully and await the touchdown to warmer climes.

xo

I Cambridge, I Saw, I Conquered; Chapter the First

Anil is two hours into his shift in Boots of Stansted airport at 6.20 ay em. He is dreaming of a soft bed, fluffy pillows and thinking that this is not exactly the position he meant when he filled in “opportunity to experience international travel” on his CV. He is interrupted by a voice from somewhere below his sightline; 

“Hello”

He peers over the ridiculously high counter that I suppose is to protect against jet lagged customers and finds a bespectacled pair of eyes squinting up at him suspiciously from underneath curls that (since they were introduced to the rather damp English air twenty minutes earlier trooping down the steps of  a Ryanair jet) have all the glossy sleekness of a demented hedgehog. He addresses this vision;

“Good morning...madam?”

“Do you want to comment inappropriately on my appearance?”

“Ah, no...”

“Would you like to assure me you can speak another language even though I have no real difficulty communicating in this one?”

“No”

“Any urge to answer all my customer service related questions with a shrug and a shake of the head?”

“No, no, not really.”

The vision smiles, then grins, then beams, then starts to giggle and by the time Anil can wonder what’s going on it’s laughing and dancing across the deserted arrivals hall chanting “I’m back, I’m back, I’m back!”

Of course it’s me! And things continue in this vein; the chap at the ticket office made sure to tell me to run to catch the train because like any quasi-intelligent human being he knew I may not want to wait an hour and a half to catch the next one, the inspector used Ladies and Gentlemen and Please and Thank You and when I hopped into the taxi at Cambridge train station the driver was well up for small talk and when I asked him to head for Corpus Christi he asked if I was a student to which sitting back, crossing my legs and mentally putting on Gucci sunglasses, I reply

“Why yes; yes I am.”

How to describe the indescribable? How to reduce Cambridge University which has gone on strong and beautiful through world wars, civil unrest and the brief and terrible ascension of Iain Duncan Smith to pixels on yah computer screen? How to translate architecture, the ambiance, the dreaming spires...oh Heavens above I'm sorry, that's Oxford; we have the very phallic UL tower where The Other Place has the bosom of the Bodleian. Difference between take what you're given and like it and coming to the teat of knowle... No one else think the same? Well, it's like I promised the BBC about Jeremy Paxman, its not a crime if you think it.

Anywho, though the class and elegance of the Colleges may be better left to Byron's pen I would like to try it through Disney, if you will permit me. Into our heads comes the soft violin prelude to Beauty and the Beast's opening number (Little Town, go watch it damn you, I can't do all the evocative imagery legwork)  and following that, a fade to a crisp, misty morning where a black cab glides off to reveal herself, tinging a triangle for the right note, and stepping off the cobbledy pavement;

"Cambridge town, is a quaint and strange place, stay a while and you'll get to know, more and more fascinating people..who will always say..."

<chorus of Hello, hello, hello, god song parodies are sins, HELLO!>

"See here we have the front of Cor.pus.Chris.ti, and New Court's looking rather well! And outside it on the street, is a friend who's here to meet. me and oh, the Madrid stories I can tell..."

<Central Casting have by now recieved my downpayment and arranged a professional dance squad. The Old Spice Man, by personal request, will now run in front of College and proclaim "Spontaeous Dance Rountine!" in chocolatey tones>

"There go the un.der.graduates like always, the tourists slowing down the town, there are dresses and berets, academics in my way and an awful lack of gowns...Good Morning Professor!"

"MISS DEVLIN, YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THIS UNIVERSITY!"

Music ceases, squad roam off, Old Spice makes the "call me" sign, Professor glowers...

"What have we told you to do about Intellectual Property infringement and Cambridge University no longer condoning illegal use of copyrighted material?!"

<stubs toe in front of her> "to not to..."

"Very well then...predrinks in MCR at 7pee em sharp and this dinner no arguing with seasoned academics over your status as Worst Lawyer of the Year. They and myself, cannot fathom why you want this accolade. Clear?"

"Absol-floggin-lutely..."

Of course now may be the best time to point out that not all of this strictly happened that exact way but what is true is I have taken it back to the 'bridge to attend our annual law dinner, there is a good friend waiting for me who puts up with all my usufucking law jokes (Roman law, plebs this one may pass you by) and I did get upset last year when no one would let me be the worst legal undergraduate...

Enough of that; the point is we get to go in to Corpus Christi; venerable, ancient and beautiful..like one would imagine Ian McKellen to be in drag. And we paddle around New Court and Old Court and Library Court and I appear like a vision or mirage to poor fellow Corpuscles who had no idea I was coming home but this doesn't stop delight at my return. Well I assume it was delight; could well have been frantic attempts to keep yours truly from ambling off to find people on my own and generally making a nuisance of myself.

Brunch is where the meeting old friends in earnest started and where I hardly got time to finish me egg and chips what with everyone coming over to say hello and ask how I was and generally be lovely while I tried to eat sausages with some degree of class and sophistication. This is made easier by Hall (ntoe ze captial H) which is the formal dining hall of College but also where we have our tea of an evening.

The Hall is built in the neo-Gothic style and the gorgeous blue-and-gold papering amoung the dark wood rafters we share with the House of Commons and House portraits of late Masters line the walls. Actually nicking all this info from the website where pictures may do more than my pixels. This is where we all come to Formal, dressed to the nines in gowns and stand for the solemn Latin grace. This is where I constantly pinch myself to ensure I'm not dreaming because surely I shouldn't be sitting at a trestle table with more silverware than Hyacinth's Bu-kaaaays cabinets and lit up by candleabras.

This brings us to a nice point about what I would do if I had all the money in the world and top of that list is to commission a sombre oil painting of self in a dark wooden frame to sneakily replace a particularly dull Master one day when no one's looking; just before Graduation Dinner for preference. Have mused on posing wearing gown and asking "Paint me like one of your French girls" if we can peruse the Paramount studios for that chaise longue offa Titanic. Think of the hilarity, the sudden realisation, the grudging "It's actually rather well done"...but then again I couldn't in all good conscience put people off a five course meal.

Out of Hall I head off down King's Parade to meet another dear friend for coffee in...Café Nero! I had to go the long way so Starbucks wouldn't see my little holiday fling but godsdamnit that Nero strawberry milkshake with whipped cream. Starbucks just won't experiment, had to take off my loyalty card and will buy guilty flowers for my beloved when I get back.

That walk was beautiful and touristful and cyclistful. Kings is all "Look at meh, I am the most famous sight in Cambridge! Which of you is attracted to meh?" The (creepy) Corpus Clock is like "Soon...very soon" and the punters (not east London slang for customer, actual punting-along-the-river-people) are all like "Fancy a trip on the river madam?" I appear to have brought Madrid's relentless sunshine with me and everything is dandy. I almost have to check my sepctacles for pink tints...

But enough...for I have decided to elongate this little weekend away to the best university in the world into two blogs because it's just that good. And also because I couldn't possibly do the magnificence which is the NBLS law dinner justice without a little more conversation.

So until excruciatingly soon; I remain a Cambridge undergrad wandering around the city centre, holding up traffic with impromptu musical numbers, nipping in to that amazing shop eat as much free fudge as I can and generally thrilled to be back in the 'bridge.

xo

Salsa is a saucy dance

"Small child!!! If you do not open this door then so help me God I will probably just go to the bathroom and weep for a couple of hours..."

I cannot say I will remove your kneecaps and use them to fashion rudimentary marracas because even the most lenient of parents may frown on this excessive/entirely proportional use of violence. This mexican standoff has been going on for two hours now. It's half one in the morning. If his parents return now I will be sued so remorselessly the pennies in my bank account will start to cry. It all started when I wanted him to put his pyjamas on and do three english homework sentences. Then he locked himself in his room and now I don't know whether the silence is sulking or injecting heroin into his eyeballs.

Welcome to the brave new world of teaching english as a foreign language. The pay is so handsome if it were a man it would be George Clooney and I would take it to bed before you could say "Sneaky Spanish tax avoidance" And usually the children are cutie pies; call me "Hai'leen", ask me if I have to go and are almost comically scared of the dark. Also, one will be a complete player when is grown up. I sat watching him pull the infant swag on in the playground. Every small blonde spanish tot got a piece of his chocolate and a smile. Respect, my fake son...

Mind you this reluctant impression didn't stop me patting the smallest tubbiest chica and saying absentmindedly, "Don't worry, their looks will fade while you will retain your sparkling wit and good humour which are ultimately more important."   She spills Coke on my dress and offers me her gominollas (picknmix) which I accept thoughtfully. There's little hope....

Anywho, that little babysitting debacle was last night and I am almost completely over the trauma apart from the occasional twitch. And I'm back in Starbucks and on that note I have never really considered the possibility for Starbucks to sue me over their continued appearance in A Cautionary Tale. That or decide it's fabulous for business and generously offer a complimentary cappucino with every thirty coffees purchased! Howard Schultz, if you're reading, call me. Or just call the branch in Plaza Alonso Martinez...I'll be here fo' a while...

Actually coffee's not hitting the stop today; despite the extra shot and experimentations with hazelnut syrup. I'm more in the mood for one of those smoky tabernas in Cheuca. The sky in grey today and because it is a Sunday everything is closed. No milk, biscuits and Sunday paper to be had. And it's a shame because I used to quite enjoy The Times crossword of a weekend. Hang about, that's not creating the right mood. The point is the sky is grey and is trapping a sullen heat and I've just come here by Metro, which would be fine if not for the presence of the duenas again. Those little besuited Spanish ladies who give you the vistazo, a very searching look that begins at the hair on your head and travels down to the height of your heels and back again.

Their disapproval is palpable  but then again its not as bad as the chicos who freely give every woman aboard the carriage a long evaluative stare, mentally place a mark out of ten above your head and carry on. And I mean every woman...even the duenas...as far as I can tell it's not about easing their eyes on pretty girls but sussing out where everyone is on the scale of "I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crisps" to "I wouldn't hit that with a long stick." I must say, at least the Brits are damn subtle about things like that as long as they ain't falling down drunk.

I'm sure Freud would be able to tell you why my response to this Spanish scrutiny was to flee into my coffee palace, ensconce myself in the corner and stick "Gin and Juice" on disgustingly loudly in my earphones. Not by Snoop Dogg o'course; rather fantastic hick hop cover by The Gourds. If I had to psycololology myself of course I'd say means of escapism. Not chosen means of course, but the Aloha Bar in Cheuca was closed or I would be in there nursing a Cuba Libre at the bar and desperately trying to find Jose Luis who usually plays the piano so I could maybe persuade him to do that brilliant cover of the Witchdoctor song to cheer me up. But I suppose even the party district has to sleep sometime...

Enough morosity! Lessee what else is going on.. We had a rather full house this week which led to a mad night out on the town and the consumption of churros at six ay em. Considering we started it all with caramel vodka shots at nine (mmmmmmm) I'm amazed the equivalent of St John's ambulance wasn't called to the scene.We turned domestic goddesses and made the most delicious strawberry Victoria sponge and homemade lemonade known to man. Well I say we made; I squeezed a few lemons and my contribution to the cake was getting overexcited and throwing multicoloured sprinkles all over the damn thing. Tremendous fun.

Now I must away with me for verily are there many university works to do because next weekend I won't be in Madrid. Next weekend I will be making the journey back to my beloved alma mater the most venerable University of Cambridge where I shall arrive like the prodigal daughter wearing a hopeful expression and an oversize cardigan with trailing sleeves. Of course this will merit a blog entry and 'twill surely be a wonderful one; why I can feel the excitement now! And apologies Starbucks but there can only be one and it's Cafe Nero for the win! Kings Parade, I'm coming home...

xo

Livin' la vida local

It is, at last, a glorious day in the Spanish capital. After a few months of hiding the sun has once again haltingly shown his face, much like a middle aged executive who, on returning shamefacedly from a wild six months in Rio with his hot young secretary is unsure of how his affection will be recieved. He needn't have worried, Winter is forgiven and forgotten.

This drastic climate change (warning! warning! controversial issue broached!) means that heavy coats have been banished to the back of wardrobes, sandals have made a welcome reappearance and girls, it's time to treat that skin you're in with some shea butter and almond body scrub followed by an intense mosturizing session with those trusted brands you love. Apologies, have been reading a little too much Cosmo of late...I must admit their section on finding romance was inspiring. Any ignorant hack would assume the inaugral piece of advice  "Get a Date" skipped over several steps and was just bloody idiotic. But they couldn't accesorize a floral print dress if it killed them.

Anywho, what with spring having sprung I have taken it upon myself to wander the streets where I live. And they are beautiful streets when the sun is shinging. Calle Santa Engracia herself is a wide avenue lined with trees and little boutiques and cafes. Soon the proprietors will start dragging metal tables and wicker chairs onto the pavements and they will be filled with Spaniards in siesta hour, aproveching of the three hour lunch break. As you walk down towards Alonso Martinez square, where my neighbourhood Starbucks hangs its hat, you pass buildings of red brick and white stone, the type that glitters when the sun hits it.

The Square itself is busy with traffiic at many, if not all times, and they circle round a marble fountain that is lit up at night. The business district is just to the left and you always have droves of professionals in suits, clutching take-away coffee cups and mobile phones, jabbering away in Spanish, French and occasional English. One of the best, presumably vital to the economic well being of the nation, exchanges I have overheard was between and Englishman in a long tweed coat and an American in what he has assumed is a daringly fashionable trilby.

"It just goes to show no one listens to the British anymore. If we had done what I said in the first place then we wouldn't be in this horrible mess, would we old boy?"

"Ah, what? Sorry, you caught me there. Mind wandered, what did'jah say?"

"Doesn't matter..."

But that's up Calle Genova, and it's just past here that things get interesting for a while. For as a dear friend was told by a colleague;

"Mira, el calle Genova es como un río que no cruce ningún hombre respetable"  See here, Genova street is a river which no respectable man would dare cross 

For it is here that we have the small district of Cheuca, where everyone wants to take you to a gay bar...

We can stroll casually past Cheuca for now, it is ten o'clock on a Monday morning and it's denizens have not even begun the precarious task of finding their clothing and leaving a note on the refrigerator. However, be careful never to ignore it in future. There are some of the best cocktail bars and Italian restaurants, the most interesting kinck knack shops and proliferation of rainbow flags you will ever see. My fondest memory is of myself and another dear friend wandering past on our way to Gran Vía (Madrid's high street) and glancing into a DVD (clears throat meaningfully indicting a severe lack of clothing on any actor) shop and glimpsing the shopkeep in studded leather collar carefully and elegantly making his way along the "Hot out of Africa" selection with a pink feather duster. Bless.

If we walk this wise we can make our way down to Plaza de Colon (giggle, I know I would) where we see the biggest Spanish flag in existence. It blots out the sun to plant life directly underneath and constitutes a hazard to low flying aircraft. Beside it the National Library sits and teases bibliophiles like myself. This is Recoletos and it is a treelined shady (in the treelined sense, not the Del Boy sense) pedestrianised avenue that leads down to Plaza de Cibeles and, if you let it, straight on to the Museo del Prado where all the art and things is.

If you are ever in Madrid when I am not there to take you out and about then rest assured the Prado is one of the places I would have dragged you in fiendish delight. We'd do the sensible art trek like work out where the Carravaggios and Picassos are and go soak in history rather than landscapes. If there's an exhibition on we'll go there and feel all cultural. Except we can't go to the Hermitage one...I may have been ever so slightly shouted at after I took Tzar Alexander's throne for a themed chair for visitors and plopped down upon it to survey Russia's treasures. It looked like a damn cheap imitation of a not very good dining room chair. Are museum staff allowed to swear like that? How was I to know this was utterly forbidden without a velvet rope to proclaim it as such? Anway, the point is we can't go back there. 

The point is that I have to run and pick up a small child who I will endeavour to teach English to without imparting an Irish brogue nor a tendency to daydream. And on a day like today when the sky is achingly blue and so much life is going on outside I am afraid all I will teach him to do is sigh beside an open window and lament the great expectations of parents.

xo

My Good and Faithful Cervantes

I wonder how many budding Robert Langleys amoungst you have spotted the Bible quote in the title? I wonder if you have spotted my clever wordplay? I wonder if flamingos know they're pink because they eat shrimp from waters rich in aqueous bacteria and beta carotene? Or would they have an identity crisis if they knew they should be a ratty grey colour? But enough of that mainly what I'm wondering is whether I could kick a decent living out of this authorship lark and how to adeqautely go about it?

The staff of Starbucks, Alonso Matrinez are already under the impression I am writing a novel of great skill and import. I wander in (having sussed out that Empujar means Push long ago) and order me usual roll de canela and tall mocha (having given up even trying to order anything else; I was tempted by the exciting vanilla cappuchino but staff seem to have unfairly and suspiciously decided that any change would mess with my mojo and have thus forbidden it) and sit down with glasses puched down my nose, silver earrings a-dangling and type away to the rhythm of "Puttin' on the Ritz"

There are quite a lot of helpful tips out there for aspiring wordsmiths. Of course quite a lot of them have to do with shameless self promotion and I find this concept appalling. It is here, in the room of my mind marked "Philosophical Struggles" in black type on the door's window, that I muse on the grim reality of making a living from writing. I imagine it sort of like a private eye's smoky base of operations....

"NO!" <Artistic Temperment knocks over a side table> "We cannot pedal our creativity like common whores!"

<Common Sense looks up> "It's this or become a lawyer. And you know what are marks are like, it'd be a one stop train to Shysterville"

<Id hiccups> Whiskeyville? By gods I wish we lived there...anyone for more wine?

<Ego grabs bottle> You've had enough...and artistic temperment has a point...shouldn't the writing speak for itself? Surely if it's good enough it'll reap it's own rewards."

<Greed is leaning against a wall, counting Euro notes> Spiritual rewards? Well I suppose we could pay the rent with that glowing feeling that we're doing what we love, but I like money better...

<Depression lounges in the shadows> Why bother with anything? Glory is fleeting, riches need keeping, it's rejection and heartbreak and fool's gold we're seeking.

<Optimism in the face of all the odds> Shut up you morose poetry hack! See here everyone, we'll give it a go; if it works it works and if it doesn't then...Id! How much wine do we have left?

<Id> Enough to start a party in everyone's circulatory systems!

<Optimism> Good anthropomorhism yourself! We'll become drunken lowlifes! It was good enough for Wilde, it'll be good enough for us!

Parts of psychology cheer and I myself drift back to listening to a law lecture wondering if at times I might cross that invisible line between eccentricity and insanity in my own head...

Anecdotes aside I am a firm believer in the idea that you can do whatever you want to do, Disney platitudes aside, it's just that you have to throw yourself into it hook, line and sinker. You can't sit typing a screenplay, chortling at your own wit and assuring yourself that some day you'll submit the thing to New Line Cinema and the money will roll in. This only works 0.5 times out of ten. You have to be out contacting editors, snapping up business cards, taking on part time jobs, writing articles and interest pieces and poems and submitting every damn day. Freelance internet, world's your oyster, and so on and so forth...

Sorry, I've just been distracted awfully...still sitting in Starbucks you see because it has gotten to that wonderful stage where I only have to act delightfully foreign and they give me more free wi-fi's. I wander up to the counter and proclaim;

"Ah, es wi-fi? Sí? Lo necesito lo, que ahora? Muy bien el...ah..seeeg-nal? Not even going to bother translating that effront to Spanish

"Fine, fine, fuck, here, just take it. Take it and stop butchering my language, you're making my ears bleed!"

Sorry, the surprise! There is a Spanish couple just across from me. They think they're shaded by the pillar. They're not. They are exchanging gifts. I don't know why. It's past Valentine's day and I know because I spent Valentines in an illegal Morrocan shisha den lamenting. He has just unwrapped a lovely looking watch. The surprise is that she has just unwrapped something lacy which looks like the equivalent of two sequins and a bootlace. I must admit I only caught a flash of this. She then shoved it back into the wrapping and is too much of a lady to storm out so they are finishing their coffee in silence. You're not getting any 'til Judgement Day, my son...

Ah, Spain the humour you provide and all I have to do is sit here and sip theatrically from an empty cup so they don't throw me out of a full-to-capacity Starbucks. But enough insight into my state of mind! I promise such flights of fancy will be gone with the wind next week when we will get back to our normal schedule of extracting the michael from the Iberian Peninsula and SEX! DRUGS! and ROCK AND ROLL!

Well, maybe less sex. And the closest I ever got to hard drugs was inhaling some sugar... And we have to have consideration for other people so we can't do rock and rolly things like throwing TV's out the window and playing loud uncouth music. But Spanish piss taking? Oh yes, oh yes indeedy...

xo

I Don Juan To Miss A Thing

As I may have taken pains to note before, the slow drip of bureaucracy in Spain is like treacle in the wheels of life. And not nearly half as sweet.

This week I travelled for two hours, there and back again, return fare, ida y regreso just to rock up at UAM and told to stand in a queue for 45minutes before having my language insulted and made to sign more pieces of paper than a paedophile on day release. And all this because I wanted to pick up another subject. Not because I was failing, or lazy, or deliberately difficult or because things had all gone horribly wrong. In point of fact they had  gone horribly wrong last term but I have come up with the rather fiendishly brilliant plan of patching up credits missed with a shirtload this side of Christmas. Yes you read shirtload correctly. Trying to cut down on gratuitous swearing should Paramount finally acquiesce to buying the rights to A Cautionary Tale and we have to keep this shirt PG13. Flocking difficult though...

Anyhow, the grey and dismal depths of the Law Faculty’s Secretaria. You’d find more cheer in a kirkyard, more human feeling five minutes before the Dower Jones closes trading and more tranquillity in Northern Ireland. On the Shankill Road.  On the 12^th Night.  Disgruntled Spaniards were slamming their hands on the tables and I swear someone slapped one of the Admin staff with a glove over a single credit. I consider myself lucky to have survived with my dignity intact.

Elsewhere in UAM my attempts to “make friends” continue with varying results. I am now in the disappointing position of knowing Spaniards names. “But Aileen!”  I hear you cry “Is this not a glorious step forward in Ibero-Hibernian relations?”  Granted, maybe you didn’t quite put it like that but I never use short words where multi-syllables will do...

The problem is this; in my own head since September I have been in class with Fringe, a chica who cuts her hair with a ruler and a Stanley knife.  Carlton, a jovial chico the spitting image of that beautiful half man from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. The Aviator, because of the jacket. The Suit, because of the suit. Imagine my disillusionment then when they become Anna Maria, Juan, Carlos and Jesús.

At the moment I’m writing this in UAM. In an OBLIGATORY TUTORIAL scheduled for half 4 pee em sharp. It’s ten to five, no one’s here. Well, I say no one, the entire class is here, I’m here but the teacher could be doped to the gills with opium and cavorting in La-La-Land for all we know. Actually at this point I remember my “Mean Girls” and attach a legal disclaimer noting the use of comedic exaggeration and the author’s own sure and certain knowledge Mrs Suarez  is merely having coffee somewhere reassuring herself that  “No pasa nada” and “Mañana, Mañana.” This all sounds very petty of me but when you take into account the fact this has happened nine times in total for various tutorias we were forewarned would bring down the wrath of God to miss you start to see where I’m coming from.

What else is new? Remember those little Marias and Pepes I sought to be paid to teach when my forays into the world of gay erotica went horribly wrong? If that last sentence made you choke on your post-Hall coffee/post-lecture espresso/tay at bedtime then serves you right for not keeping up with developments...

Anywho, have managed to secure gainful employment as a tutor to a lovely child who’s grasp of English far outstrips my Spanish. It is at this point I regress to Aileen the Primary School Teacher who existed in my career imagination circa the years 2004/05. In my own mind I was Miss Honey, the delightful matrice from Matilda. Flora print dress, happy smile, soft cadence of voice, the works.  I was somewhat cheerfully and then again horribly surprised to find out there’s more of the Dickensian Wackford Squeers about my methods of teaching.

“What’s the next word on that list, boy?”

“Ah, cleeeeen...”

“Clean, SEE-EL-EE-AH-EN, verb, active, to scour, to make bright! Next!”

<seated at desk> “Ah, dog...”

<striding womanfully about the room, one hand gesticulating to the Heavens> “Dog, DEE-OH-GEE, noun, domesticated mammal, Latin family canis! Next!

“Ah, hour...”

“’’Ooouuur,  noun, composition two consonants separated by a diphthong , unit of time...why on Earth do you look so confused?”

“Ah, what ees an our? It is said ow-er,  no?”

<Moment of contemplative Northern Irish silence> “That’s it, I’ve had enough!  Write out “I will not correct my teacher” twenty times and that’ll learn ye!”

“Ah, you mean teach me?”

“NOW!”

Oh the joys of the sacred art of imparting knowledge...

And so life goes on in the Wide World beyond the walls of Cambridge. Telefonica people came to install new internet. Well, they said new internet, there was a lot of wire and drilling and cursing going on. I answered the door in fluffy pink slippers and overlarge knitwear cardigan clutching a cup of tea. This poor idiot child image coupled with the necessity to mime a couple of unknown Spanish words (actually his mime for cepilla/brush would have made a great dance move for Kanye West himself) gave them to understand I didn’t speak a word of Spanish. This made for great fun when I wandered into a protracted swearing session and innocently asked what tu puta madre might mean.

These shenanigans aside, its lunchtime and I am off to cook pasta. Yes I am well aware its 5pm and most of your tummies are starting to rumble with the promise of dinner/Hall but I won’t have that glorious meal until half ten tonight. And it will probably be more pasta because in Santa Engracia a meal isn’t a meal unless you are in danger of carbohydrate overdose. You drown the damn penne in tomate frito and pour it from saucepan to plate in a never-ending stream. You lament the ability of spaghetti to fit into your pot. You are in constant fear of NOT COOKING ENOUGH PASTA! Truly the food of kings.  And as for how we are able to eat such quantities of Italian goodness? Well, that’s (with apologies to the Latin purists) where we found the  motto of the House of Erasmus, now engraved above our door, words of wisdom as sage and true for the consummation of pasta as for dealing with our terrible yah abroad curse;

« Marathona est, non est sprintus »

xo

A Blogger for your Valentine's

“Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me cuando, cuando, cuando! We can share our love divine; please don’t make me wait again! A’hWhen will you say yes to me?”

I am wandering round our piso warbling tunelessly in the style of Engelbert Humperdinck. Yes I could act my age and stick on some Bruno Mars and Taylor Swift or whatever the young ‘uns have on them there eyepods. But when it comes to love songs I prefer the old smoothies like Sinatra and Tony Bennett who always manage to hide away a note of sadness in their songs, even the ones where a dame hasn’t just broken their hearts.

Yes of course it’s Valentine’s Day! In an unusual and uncharacteristic turn of events the author hopes that if you have someone they’re a good someone, if you want someone God willing you find someone and if you don’t want someone then get here with cocktails and a disco ball because (even though I hide the fact I’m a hopelessly sentimental old romantic of the second category) you’ll be the most especial fun to get drunk and play Twister with!

The readership might muse why I have chosen to dedicate a blog to a holiday despite notable lack of consistent practice of the like beforehand which would indicate custom (sorry, International Law slipped in there) and alleviate the strangeness. But put down that copy of Freud, you’ll go blind, and dejame explicarlo.

Before I left for Madrid, after  exclamations of how warm it would be (minus 3 wind-chill atm given the north easterly wind which has just come from frolicking about in frozen Ukraine)  how laid back life would be (to the point of never ever getting anything sorted because “No pasa nada, why are you so stressed? Has the electric done anything more than spark? No? You see! It’ll be fine; I’ll just keep coming and going because I forget bits of my equipment!”) and how cheap the alcohol would be (actually no complaint there, we drink a €4 bottle on very special occasions, and splash out on €5 rum) the most common exclamation any Iberian bound Erasmus hears is “Oh you’ll have to watch out for those gorgeous Spanish men/ladies.”

Now, I’m no gonnae lie hens, the vast majority of the population is easy on the eye. Typical dark skin, doe eyes, the whole shebang. I must note there are an alarming number of ginger-haired persons who I run to embrace as brothers before they speak and come out with Spanish so accented and fluent and an address in Madrid that am forced to muse on exactly how many Irish stag parties and lads holidays make their way to Shagaluf, the number who get lucky with the ladies of Spain and the statistical likelihood of offspring resulting from such a drunken encounter.  If this keeps up the whole Spanish genetic code could drastically change, populating the country with pale, freckly children who begin to trace family trees in confusion! But I digress.

You’ve already read what the Spanish think of us...cast your mind back to previous mentionings of Blanquita, Blanquita and the occasional Guapa. It is however how the Spanish see themselves which is much more interesting.

Up and down this entire country people are not backward about coming forward. PDA’s are everywhere; a couple of Spaniards, hands lost in the back pocket of one another’s jeans, whispering sweet nothings between pecks on cheeks and lips. This is so common that on one of my own forays into the mysterious world of Latino romance I found out they had never heard of a term for public displays of affection nor did they associate any neither shame nor self consciousness with the notion. I realise this is an issue on which we are all divided and I myself vacillate between smiling at a young couple holding hands and biting my tongue on the Metro to prevent informing an older couple that I may not object to seeing it, but I do object to hearing it and most especially to tightening my death grip on the rails least the carriage should sway and I inadvertently join in on it.

The problem with the Latin attitude to sex and romance is that as well as this public side there is an undercurrent which tells them it is fun because it is in some way (for such a Catholic country) naughty and wrong. There can be a prevailing immaturity to sex which prevents a couple being partners. Me Tarzan, you Jane. I Man, you Woman. Daddy like, etc, etc. You find the gender difference in strange ways like when the ladies get into clubs for free, holding open doors is a sacred duty and there is the ever present tendency for the Spanish man to place a guiding hand on the small of “his” woman’s back and usher her all the time. This annoyed the holy hell out of me...

The confidence so many Spaniards exude is amazing and at times absolutely hilarious. A favourite move on the dance flo’ is for the young gentleman to sort of go down slightly on his haunches dancing in front of the senorita and then wiggle his shoulders with arms outspread. It sort of looks like he’s worshipping her bellybutton.  As well as being at times confused with why this attention is directed at me, I must struggle to keep a straight face for to laugh at this ridiculous peacock display from above would be akin to wounding the young man. A Spaniards pride is his castle.

Therein lies the rub Hamlet, because all this unnecessary focus on “sexing yo’ right up mama” is actually mind numbingly boring after a while. You can see the look in the Erasmus ladies eyes, “This is all very lovely Pedro but I’ve just realised I have not had a laugh all evening. I’ve had to content myself with a polite smile while you try to look down my top and rain dance my navel.” In the slightly skewed words of the Black Eyed Peas “Where is the fun?”

Sin embargo and however I am now absolutely sure that there are other sorts of “here for one night only” fun, not necessarily related to the often wild criminal behaviour justified as the Craic, which the Spaniards with their “more is more” attitude would be perfectly placed to indulge in and would certainly prove my theories on Benidorm and its environs. At least for the gentlemen. Ladies you will have to first get over Pedro’s disbelieving indignation that you have not swooned in a state of overwhelmed stimulation the second he takes his top off.

There is however some genuine romance hidden amid the snake hips and smoky Spanish eyes. Whilst wandering the streets you often come across an elderly couple, hands held tightly against the cold or a world that has become strange. Spanish mamas and papas are jointly devoted to their families and share smiles over the cuteness/cheekiness of their children, something I noticed while picking up friends at the airport. A tall Spanish lady winked at a newly arrived businessman as his twins raced up to say hello in clearly new dresses and black patterned shoes. Suitably warned by his mujer to take notice of these facts he swung his arms  wide and cried;

“Ay, mira las guapas que sois!” My God, look at how beautiful you are!

This paternal conspiracy and complete sharing of lives must be romance, or what else be?

But enough of all that, it is a beautiful sunny Spanish morning, the flatties of Santa Engracia art decided to go to a gorgeous Moroccan restaurant which looks as authentic as lamb tagine and ever hopeful sap that I am I am conjuring visions of meeting my future husband on our Truth-or-Dare pub crawl. That’s a lie; I’ve gone way past meeting the poor guy and am now giving him a lovable friend to do the sentimental speech at our wedding. You’ve all been invited and in my munificence I have arranged a free bar. Daydreams, y u no reality?

xo