In a spirited attempt not to lurk in our hallway like the ghost of Wifi past I am writng this particular missive at the Autonomous University of Madrid, the good old UAM. In the cafeteria to be precise. Someone is yelling at Mercedes that no hay cuchillas. Mercedes don´t care about no cuchillas. No one does until Luis brings them forth from the dishwasher. I would make a joke about the forks being with him but my jokes are incomprehensible enough when everyone speaks English and yet another pair of Hispanic eyebrows knitted in confusion would only depress me. Maybe another time...
Most exciting news I´ve had all week comes in the form of my €30 abono transporte and another joke. This delightful little card allows me to flit in and out of the Metro and Cercanias train stations without feeding €1.50 into the machine every time I wish to educate myself or wander downtown. In the nick of time too, for I had begun to feel distinctly Scrooge McDuck whensoever I was forced to extract my purse from the depths of my bag and feed 5 cent coins one at a time into the slot praying I wouldn´t reach €1.45 before looking down to see nothing but a terrible emptiness; a symptom caused by the malady "Stoney Broke." Attempt to convey my joy to the Señora in the Tabac was to exclaim "Que abono! O mejor decir, que abueno!" This is an insanely clever pun which loses out somewhat in translation, as the best I can come to in English "What an Oytser card. Or better yet, a JOyster card!" The señora was not amused.
Ah, that leads us on to the title of today´s blog which, believe it or believe it not, has some bearing on current affairs. Using the abono for the first time was a thing of great beauty and may have resulted in some Mr Bean-like antics. I say may, I mean I know no other way to express my own bemusement than to chuckle to myself and talk to inanimate objects a la Rowan Atkinson at his finest.
Anyway, Metro times, and I had no sooner embarked on the journey to Nuevos Ministerios than a chuckle to my left caught my ear. A half shuffle brought two muchachos into view who not only had the all the giggling foolishness of two schoolboys craned solicitously over their first Playboy but also were of the false impression I spoke no Spanish. My eavesdropping presented me with this;
" ¡Mira la blancura de ella! " (I pinched that upside down exclamation mark from Wiki. I´ll explain that Spanish chirograhpical weirdness at a later date)
I had heard this before, "Look at how white she is!"
"Quizas se cayo en una tina de blaquera!" (Maybe she fell in a vat of bleach!)
"Quizas a Dios le olvido la tinta!" (Maybe God forgot the ink!)
I had no idea whether to be shocked or somewhat amused and to be honest at first no idea what they were saying but, after arriving at Uni and furiously flicking through a dictionary I have settled on the view that this is an outrage! Even back home in dear old Norn Iron, where we have the cultural diversity of a packet of Fox´s Custard Creams, it would be considered a socially unacceptable disgrace to take a seat on a bus by the Spains answer to the Chuckle Brothers and exclaim;
"A ha ha ha, looks like God forgot to take these two out of the oven. He´s gone and burnt them!"
Actually that´s not bad. Memo to self re blatant disregard for individual dignity, look up oven, to burn and colloquial gone and done smthg so next time will have scathing reply close to hand.
Yet more documentation was to be picked up at Uni and lo and behold I once again met my nemesis in the form of UAM´S Erasmus office.
"¿Ah, necesito coger mi tarjeta estudiante?" (I need to pick up my student car?)
"¿Eres estudiante de Wham?"
Was I a student of Wham? I had no idea what this cryptic question meant. Yes, I have been known to hum the odd verse of "Wake me up before you Go-Go" and "Last Christmas" is certainly worth a listen come Yuletide, but a student of the great musicians? I decided to communicate my confusion with clarity and precision.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh...."
"Wham! WHAM! Ooo, ah, emay! Wham!"
U.A.M. Or if you´re Spanish and the letter U barely exists on its own; Wham. Perfecto.
Let´s see, what else of note happened. There was the discovery that the "Wham" cafeteria boasts a large selection of alcoholic spirits, most of which you need to get through the average day. Finally purchased a mug from the Chino, for tea may be drunk from a cup but verily tay, the drink that was gifted to the Irish by the gods can be drunk from none other than a veritable bucket. There was the moment of sheer panic when singing along cheerfully to a recent hit went something like this, "Somebody call 911, Shady fire burning up the...wait, wait WAIT! We dont know the emergency services number of this accursed country!" and the horrible sinking feeling and progression of facial expressions never to be equaled when the train to campus starts to slide the wrong way out of the station and the destination reads "Buenas Aires"
Oy vay
xo
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